I continue to struggle with blogging. I’m on this transformative personal journey, through loss and upheaval and recovery and sorrow and anger and joy and love and faith and discovery and renewal, and while I know that some of the best blogs are gut-honest about these things, I just can’t bring myself to say some things here. On the other hand, I can’t stand posting stuff that doesn’t mean anything. I don’t have the time or energy to waste that way, and neither will I waste yours. So I go weeks between posts, writing when something comes along that touches me, that in writing about I can express at least a bit of my journey.
This week I’m coming up on my birthday again, and it bothers me. I just don’t know what to do with it, and doing nothing with it doesn’t feel good. It’s evidence of another part of my life that I don’t have figured out yet, and how old am I? Sheesh.
I think I’ve been avoiding feeling, really feeling, the sadness and anger. Not that I haven’t felt it, but I haven’t let myself go to the depths. Do I have to? I’m scared to. Scared it will temporarily incapacitate me, and I can’t afford for that to happen. I have to keep moving forward. But am I moving forward? Yes, I am. I guess it’s natural to have these times when I feel it more and times when it’s really gone. Waves. Cycles.
I heard Garth Brooks tonight on the way home from work, singing “The Dance.” More often than not that makes me cry, even if I am way, way past romanticizing my years with Art. I don’t believe our lives are left to chance, but the question remains: would I have given up the dance to avoid the pain? I can’t answer that. What I do know is I’m not dancing the same dance again.
Then other times a song lights me up and the joy and/or drive explodes in me, like I posted last time. One of those: KC and the Sunshine Gang‘s Band’s “Boogie Shoes.” “I’m gonna put on…my my my my my boogie shoes.” Makes me smile every time, and if I’m not driving, get out of my chair and dance!
Onward, with gusto —
(with a glance back at Secretariat: It was said he ate when he was hungry, drank when he was thirsty, and slept when he was tired. I’m tired, and I’ve got a race to run. Good night.)
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